Stuck? Consider a Clearness Committee

A couple of years ago, my husband Drew and I were considering a move back to the Midwest after living in Seattle for more than a decade. We talked for hours about every aspect of the decision. We outlined each scenario on 11x17 pieces of sticky paper. We prayed about it. I wrote thousands of words in my journal turning over all sides of the decision. We talked to friends about what to do over meals. We waited. And ultimately, we were still stuck.

Sometimes, I learned then, there’s not a right or wrong answer. Sometimes, there are two real possibilities.

Early in our discernment process, we realized that as people we tend to make decisions privately, then share our plans. I could see announcement of a decision to move: a carefree family pic in front of our house with a for sale sign out front, announcing our return to Indiana. Triumphantly, forward looking, with full assurance. But that’s not at all how the decision process, let alone an imagined outcome, felt inside.

Listening to our questions about place and vocation, my spiritual director Debbie recommended gathering a few folks from our church and forming a discernment group inspired by a Quaker Clearness Committee.

I’d been a part of a clearness committee led by a Jesuit priest in a discernment class during grad school. I loved the experience of getting to sit with a fellow student, listen in a small group, and ask questions as they moved through a decision. But I wasn’t the one on the hot seat then, and I didn’t realize how vulnerable you can feel discerning out loud.

Like a lot of big life decisions, whether or not to move surfaced as many questions as sea urchin spines. The more we’d sit alone with the possible outcomes, the murkier the waters. To get unstuck, or at least less stuck, we chose to walk through the discernment with a group.

I learned through the process that a discernment about moving was really more about calling than place, more about identity than geography.

In the end, we decided to stay in the PNW, to really let ourselves become rooted. The decision brought a season of grief for the choice we didn’t pursue. But it also felt like removing a hair shirt, like taking weights off of my neck and shoulders.

We may not know what happens now that we’re here and not there, or even where to focus next — walk to the left, right, float up, press down, or, the most terrifying yet — step off. But we knew whatever it is, in this season we’re doing it in this place. Without sitting with the questions raised in our discernment group, we couldn’t have gotten here.

Discernment Group Overview

Note that I’m sharing how our discernment group worked, which may look different that a traditional Quaker Clearness Committee. We took inspiration from the Quaker model but did not follow an official protocol. Resources for learning more are below.

What it is

A discernment group meets to help you clarify a decision or opportunity through prayerful listening and thoughtful questions.

What it’s not

A time to receive advice. Members of the group are present to listen, pray, and ask clarifying questions, but not to talk about their own experiences or share what they think you should do.

Before meeting

Invite a small group of friends that know you, but are not close friends that could bias your decision.
A leader arranges a time and place for your group to meet. We met four times, about a month apart, but some groups only meet once. The first meeting was about 90 minutes, when we took more time to explain our circumstances.
Write out your central question ahead of the discernment time and email it to the group to read before your first meeting.

When meeting

Gather in a silent place without kids if possible, turn off cell phones.
Your leader keeps time and reminds the group that meetings are completely confidential.
Share your central question with the group and talk about the circumstances surrounding it. Everyone should know the basics from your intro email, but begin to fill in the gaps.
The group begins by asking practical background questions to make sure there is a single, common issue that is being considered. It’s important that everyone is discerning the same question.
Leave space between questions, and go slower than you might think you need to.
Sit in silence after a first round of clarifying questions until someone prayerfully feels led to speak.
After initial questions and silence, the group begins to ask deeper and more creative questions.
Group members should ask questions as they surface and not think ahead. Be in the moment.
Take time to respond to questions, but do not feel forced to answer anything.
After answering questions, the group comments on what they noticed, paying attention to body language and other senses.
Close in prayer.

What’s next

You might come to a clear sense of direction at the end of the meeting. If not, simply thank God for the experience and consider what was said as your discernment continues.
If nothing else, the time will likely help you consider your decision in a new way, which can begin to deconstruct it.
The quiet was as important as the questions for me, as well as time to process and talk after.

Resources to learn more about Clearness Committees

Listening Hearts: Discerning Call in Community [Morehouse]
The Clearness Committee [Center for Courage and Renewal]
Clearness Committees - What They Are and What They Do [Friends General Conference]